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Can you Be Too Nice?

A good friend, who shall remain anonymous, asked me why women avoid him. He's a handsome polite man, and in good shape. I told him I felt he was too nice. He told me a singles pastor once told him women need to feel safe. He quoted a section of the love chapter to me. I sent him an article on why women hate boring men. I told him, "it was written by a secular guy writing on how to get women, nothing Christian about it, but he reveals some truth about women that doesn't come through in most Christian dating advice. If you need proof texts for it, men are to rule their households. Wives are to submit. The husband is to be the head as Christ is for us. Jesus defines boundaries for us and doesn't leave us to our own devices.

 I mentioned your question to a Christian woman and my response. She said, 'You're right. Whenever a man is too nice it's a red flag.' So do what you wish. All I know is if it isn't working, you may want to reevaluate. If you always do what you've always done you will always get what you've always gotten. A man who is too nice comes off as being too needy and raises suspicions in a woman. Like we do with them, women wonder why an attractive man is single."

 He responded a day later with this:

Ken, I think you've hit the nail on the head! What you say rings deep and true with me. All day today I have been going around with a no-nonsense (but friendly) attitude. It made a big difference in my conversations in my cell group tonight -- with both men and women. I could give you examples even, but it's after 1 AM. I felt really confident. It's definitely the Lord, but he used YOU to make me aware. I can hardly wait till' tomorrow! Blessings on you.

 To which I replied, "This is why people pay me big bucks for godly counsel. Often, God is the opposite of what we think. His kingdom is upside down. Conventional wisdom is usually wrong. What many people think is a Christian way to live is merely syrupy niceness, and the word nice is not in the Bible even once. In fact, people who are too nice cause others, especially non-believers, to gag. They don't believe we're as good as we act, and we aren't. In reality, when we live to be nice, we are living a lie. We become passive aggressive, and act out our real desires in secret ways. We get so used to lying to ourselves we actually think we've fooled God. This veneer of religious 'nicenosity' leads to all kinds of subtle misery. I know, I was trained to be that way. I was a pastor for 23 years and most churches demand niceness more than they value true newness in their clergy. It almost broke me to keep being like that. People want authenticity. Jesus gave it to them. Study how he interacted with people. It wasn't always nice.  

Ken Unger is President of and founder of, where you can learn more about him and his transformative ministry. click here ,
 "Ken's new book, The Ultimate Breakthrough, goes beyond self help to self healing. You can preview it at  The Ultimate Breakthrough "


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